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Sunday, December 5, 2010

Koleksi Lawak Pendek Ajoi

1. Tercucuk Mata
Ajoi : “Doktor… bila saya buat air kopi, kemudian saya minum, rasanya mata kanan saya seperti ada yang mencucuk-cucuk doktor.”
Doktor : “OOO.. itu masalahnya. Kalau begitu, setiap kali mahu minum, keluarkan sudunya dari cawan!”
Ajoi : “Ya tak ya juga… Terima kasih, Doktor..”


2. Mee segera

Satu hari Wak Sumardi ke kedai Ajoi nak beli mee segera yang berjenama toot. Sebagai pengguna yang prihatin dia mesti tengok dulu tarikh expired nya.

Wak Sumardi : “Joi , mee segera ni best beforenya dah lebih 1 bulan naper ko jual lagi?”

Ajoi : “oohh… tu kan best before, bulan ini baru better, bulan depan masih good. Jadi tidak masalah untuk dijual…”

3. Adik beradik ipar

Ajoi dan isterinya sedang bergaduh dalam kereta semasa perjalanan dari Seremban ke Rembau. Biasalah semasa bergaduh, masing-masing berdiam diri. Biasalah sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit..

Tak lama kemudian, mereka melalui sebuah kampung dan ada sekumpulan kambing dan lembu sedang meragut rumput di tepi padang.

Isteri Ajoi menunjuk ke sekawan kambing dan lembu tu dan menyindir kepada Ajoi “adik-beradik awak tu kan?”

“Yups” jawab Ajoi…… “Adik beradik ipar.”

4. Berjalan masa tido

Ajoi: Doktor, tolong sembuhkan penyakit saya. Saya selalu berjalan di waktu tidur.

Doktor : Ini kotak yang boleh menyelesaikan persoalanmu. Setiap malam, ketika wak sudah bersiap untuk tidur keluarkan isi kotak itu dan taburkan di lantai sekeliling tempat tidurmu.

Ajoi : Kotak apa ini, Doktor? apakah sejenis serbuk penenang?

Doktor : Bukan. Ini kotak paku payung.


5. Lari masa gunting rambut

Ajoi kembali ke kedai mamak gunting rambut dulu, sekali lagi nak potong rambutnya nak buat skin head.

Ketika mamak baru potong pendek rambut Ajoi sebelah, tiba-tiba ada seorang pemuda masuk tergesa-gesa.

“Fendi! Rumah Kau Terbakar!!!!!”

Ajoi pun lari turun dari kerusi gunting rambut mamak dan lari keluar dari kedai gunting Mamak sambil rambutnya baru bercukur sebelah.

Bukan main laju Ajoi lari sehingga 1 KM , tiba-tiba dia terhenti.

“Eh buat aku lari? Nama aku bukan Fendi..!”


6. Dalam komuter

Ajoi dalam perjalanan dari KL ke Seremban menaiki komuter bersebelahan dengan seorang makcik yang agak berumur.

Dia tengok muka mak cik tu pucat semacam jer..

Ajoi: Kenapa mak cik, mabuk ker?

Mak Cik : Ya nak..

Ajoi biarkan jer , Mak cik tersebut menahan muntahnya….

Mak Cik : Nak boleh mak cik tengok muka anak tak..

Ajoi: Kenapa mak cik.

Mak cik: Supaya senang mak cik nak muntah….

Dan last sekali…

7. Borak-borak Cara Ajoi dan Sumardi

Ajoi dan Wak Sumardi sedang berborak.

Wak Sumardi: Joi lu beli seluar tu berapa?

Ajoi : Kat IOI Mall..

Wak Sumardi: Kat maner?

Ajoi: RM160

Wak Sumardi: Emm mahal jugak ya..

Perbezaan kambing hitam & putih

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri.

Pemuda : Baguslah ternakan biri-biri pakcik. Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?

Pakcik : Boleh aje...

Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?

Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?

Pemuda : Yang putih.

Pakcik : Kalau yang putih berjalan lebih kurang enam kilometer setiap hari.

Pemuda : Yang hitam?

Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...

Pemuda : Berapa banyak plak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?

Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?

Pemuda : Yang putih?

Pakcik : Ah, yang putih makan lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.

Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?

Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...

Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?

Pakcik : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?

Pemuda : Yang putih?

Pakcik : Aaa... yang putih menghasilkan sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.

Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?

Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama...

Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yg putih dgn yg hitam, padahal jawapan semuanya sama aje?

Pakcik : Mestilah...sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punya.

Pemuda : Ooo, gitu ke...abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punya?

Pakcik : Yang hitam pun sama....

Punctuation is powerful

An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"


on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.






All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."


So to conclude, punctuation is powerful ....


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Contradictory proverbs

Contradictory proverbs....Interesting !

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction.

Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb! There always exists two sides of the same coin.

U be the judge..


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free things..
BUT
There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for no man.

Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's food is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

MARI BELAJOR BASER TEGANUNG

Baddi (bertanding)
Bangak (bangat?) (cepat?)
Bedo’oh (@ do’oh) lalu
Bedrohong
Bekeng (bengkeng?) *
Berahi (suka) betak (betap?) = lembab
bing (**ekspresi)
Brayor (main-main, gurau, acah-acah)
Bo’jeng (berkenaan rambut)

Cacang (cancang?)
Cakna
Carik celober
Cedung (ceddung?)
Cekoh
Celerek (& celerek tek)
Cerlong
Cero (cair/tidak pekat, berkenaan air & berkenaan sakit perut)
Cok (= tanda?)
Comel lote
Cu (acu)

Dang (dan, Kedah) = sempat
De’eh (senak)
Deras bedrohong (kuat/laju/bising)
Dok rok (rok)
Do’oh (melampau)

Ge (ger?) = macam?
Geger (asal Jawa?)
Gelak (gelap) kat’tuk, gelmak
Gelepor (gelempar?)
Gelewak
Gelenya (gelenyai? Gelenyar?)
Geroh (gerah?)
Gocoh
Godok (menggodak?)
Gohek (go ahead?) berkaitan basikal
Golok bong
Gong (sombong, permatang)
Gok (Jw. got)
Guane (= bagaimana, macam mana)
Gumba (pump)

Hanya (bersepah-sepah)

Irek (irik, berkenaan padi)
Jalir (sulur paut, sulur yang menjalar)
Jal’lir (jalar?)
Jangok
Je’bek (men-cebik muka?)
Je’beng
Jelinang (air mata)
Jelok (kepala, semasa demam)
Jenere (jenera = nyenyak)
Jenggi (= meremang bulu roma, dan hubungannya)
Jo’ong (mendung)
Jujjuk (jujuk?)

Kanja (kanjal)
Katok (= pukul)
Keleh (kelih? = lihat)
Kelek (mengelek? bawa di celah lengan) BM?
Keras kerjong
Kerek (berkenaan telaga)
Kerek (= kerap)
Kilir (berkenaan mengasah)
Kocok (goncang)
Kuca (kucar?) lanya
Kuca (kacau?)

Lawo (lawa?)
Lere (= cuai?)
Lese (rata)
Leweh
Lok (biar)

Netting (lompat-lompat)
'Nja (= menghentak dengan tapak kaki, memukul)
Nger’ruh (berdengkur)
Non'neng (tergantung)
Nussuk (sembunyi)
Nyek (pijak)

Ogak-ogak (jentik-jentik)
Ogeh (goncang, *****)
Ogoh (goncang, *****)
Ongek

Panas sooh (sangat panas)
Parok (parah? Teruk)
Pattak (******?) = bahagian bawah, dasar (bukan lucah)
Pedor (sejenis rasa di lidah?)
Pi-‘yat (= memukul dengan rotan, lidi)
Plekong&Pletong (lontar)

Redoh (redah?, berkenaan hati, sangat sedih/sayu)
Repih (mematah)
Ret’tok (jambatan kecil)
Ret’tok (sj perhiasan)
Rok (dok rok)
Royak (memberitahu)

Se’eh (sangat kenyang)
Sedawa (sendawa)
Seke (=sangka?)
Sekoh (sekah?)
Selok (selak?) = menangis/sakit yang keterlaluan/tidak sedar diri
Seprong (teropong)
Sendung
Serek (hujan)
Seri’ya (seriau?)
Siy’yang (= kasihan, kesian)
Siang (menyiang?)
Si’nna (sinar?) bana
Ske’peng*
Sohor (tersohor, masyhur?)
Stab’buk*
Star’rang*
* Suka (ketawa)
Sullit (‘nyelik? = terselit)
Sutuh (satu bahagian rumah)
Sutuk (suntuk?) berkenaan kepala

Takir (takik?)
Tang (= katok) = pukul
Tang (arah) ke mana?
Teluh (telus?)
Tengak (lambat?)
Tirih (tiris)
Tohok (buang)
Tohor (cetek)
Tub’bir (tanah tinggi, pinggir antara tempat tinggi & rendah)
Tumb’bil (berkenaan mata?)
Tunja (tunjal)
Turuk (turut?) = ikut (jangan ‘diturutkan’ hati)

Uting (target)
Uting (seberkas anak padi di tapak semaian)

Wak (buat)
Weh (**ekspresi)
Wi (buwi, beri)

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.


Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.


Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.




Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.


One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.


All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.


A second original monkey is removed and replaced.


The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.


This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.


However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.


One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.


All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

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AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.


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Job Interview - Honest HR Question-Answers

If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.

5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... more money

11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).

The Stock Market

The Stock Market simply illustrated ... is there a lesson here?


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.


The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.


The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.


This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.


The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.


The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.


In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you can sell it to him for Rs50."


The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.


Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!

SUV for his birthday

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Thoughts to think about

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


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Gardening Rule:


When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.


If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


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Never take life seriously.


Nobody gets out alive anyway.


***********


There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.


***********


Life is sexually transmitted.


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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.


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If quitters never win, and winners never quit,


then who is the fool who said : "Quit while you're ahead?"


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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


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Always get the last word in: Apologize.


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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;

teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


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Some people are like Slinkies . .

not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


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