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Math Class

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

How to Enable Tools -> Folder Options and Registry Editor in Windows

Many times Windows users face a common problem. The "Folder Options" in "Tools" menu is not visible. Even It can't be accessed from Control Panel. Also "Registry Editor" is disabled.

If you are also facing this problem, then you have come to right place. Follow the simple steps mentioned in this tutorial and your problem will be solved:

1. If Folder Options is disabled but Registry Editor is still working in your system, then you can enable Folder Options by editing Windows Registry. Type regedit in RUN dialog box and press Enter. it'll open Registry Editor, now go to following keys:

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\Current Version\Policies\Explorer
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\Current Version\Policies\Explorer

In right-side pane, check whether a DWORD value named NoFolderOptions exists or not? If it exists, delete it.

2. If you are not familiar with editing the registry, then you can simply download following file, extract it and then run the .REG file:

folder_options.zip

3. But sometimes Registry Editor is also disabled. Whenever you try to open regedit, Windows will show following error message:

Registry Editor has been disabled by administrator.

Its a symptom of “RONTOKBRO” Trojan. To remove this trojan, follow the instructions given in following topic:

Is Your System Infected with a Virus / Spyware / Adware / Trojan?

4. If its not a trojan problem and someone intentionally has disabled it in your system, then you can enable it again by following any of these methods:

a. Type gpedit.msc in RUN dialog box and goto:

User Configuration -> Administrative Templates -> System

in right-side pane, set "Prevent access to Registry editing tools" to either Not Configured or Disabled.

b. Just type following in RUN dialog box and press :

REG add HKCU\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\System /v DisableRegistryTools /t REG_DWORD /d 0 /f

Now after enabling Registry Editor, you can re-enable Folder Options by following methods mentioned in 1st or 2nd steps.

source:www.askvg.com

Offensive Quotes

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16... Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Extra Marital affairs..

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Chicken a la Carte - A short film about the hunger and poverty brought about by Globalization

Some Lessons in life.........

LESSON 1

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
lamp.They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you
are three,I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want
to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff, and
he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to
be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."
Pfufffff, and he Was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office
after lunch at 12.35pm."

*MORAL OF THE STORY IS: " ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST"*

LESSON 2

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document,and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

*LESSON II - NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING.*


LESSON 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to
LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese
are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
....
Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What
kind of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am
I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

*LESSON III - NEVER INSULT ANYONE

LESSON 4

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a
genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the
bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
you a
wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and
shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The
Frenchman was so Happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
Contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and
shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!!........."

*LESSON IV - THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN.*

LESSON 5

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the
brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants
to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's
going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very
mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste
whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU
THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN
CHARGE.*

Romantic 1st lines...and deadly 2nd ones

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

HOW TO GET A LIFE

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here's How:


Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.